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Can I?

Can I take back a year?
Gloss over my mistakes?
Can I take back my pride
Put an end to this ride?
Can I know that this is worth it?
Give me proof it's for the best
Can I sleep in arms that will hold me?
Can I bury my regret?

SOMEBODY SAVE ME!

(Insert Smallville's theme song here)

This past week has been less than steller. I am waiting to hear about a job and stuck at my Mom's all day. The phone never rang. THe other night I go to the eye doctor and find out I am going to have to wear an eye patch for a while (HAHAHAHAHA REASON TO SHOP THE PIRATE STORE, JEN).... got stuck going to a death metal show saturday.
I wanna come home so bad.
HOME.
0
M
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Is This Thing On?

Hey Kiddos....

Things continue rolling along as usual. Being home is not the blessing I'd thought it would be... and to be honest, I am farther from home now than I'd imagined I would be.
The thing that saddens me is how easily people let eachother go. You enjoy a friendship with someone and love them... then one day it just doesn't hold together anymore. This is a common thing that comes up in my life. I've been told I am clingy and I've been told I am the best friend a person could have, and often both by the same person.
I have been out of SanFrancisco for three weeks and already I notice that some people have forgotten how to respond to emails.... I find that people I grew up with here would rather watch tv than hang out.
The lesson I am learning is to offer much less to people and save more for myself. FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, You're cool, FUCK YOU!
Sarah has been my friend for years. She and I seem to have come back here at the same time for a reason. We're offering eachother strength, advice and a fuck load of laughs. She is, hands down, one of the finest human beings around.
We went out last night after spending the day dying in 105degree heat (and humid too, so my balls were around my knees).... went to a bar down the street from her place and got hammered! I have not laughed so hard in ages...

RANDOM GIRL - Cindy is going to put some Usher on the juke box
ME - Cindy is a whore!

Everyone in the bar heard me and after a tense moment the whole place bust out laughing and suddenly some guys were buying Sarah and I another round.
Sarah, being a sexy, sexy gal also ended up scoring us a bag of weed and some good blow. We went back to her place and got fucked up... I drew her a beautiful fairy which she hung up in a frame... we talked about what dirty things we wanna do to David Beckham (get vanity fair!) and eventually crashed out two very happy fools.
She is going to be going to school for skin care and the place she is going offers a massuse program. Both of us have ADD so we are going to co-habitate for a year and help eachother get through it..... that is if I can handle this place another year.
I miss Jay.
Why Didn't I realize how much this boy loved me? Why didn't I love him back?!?! We are having a beautiful email thing at the moment... but I want to be more connected.
I miss Padme.
I MISS PADME!!!!

Anyhow.... Rufus Wainwright went to boarding school here. This song is about the area I am in. Good old Dutchess County.

The boys and girls of Millbrook
Are on a train from New York
Wearing new hats
Shooting the shit
Deep in the heart of Dutchess County, Bounty
And all the evening breakdowns
Will soon be washed from their hands
The next very day, as they make way
Eating the apple to the chapel, Holy
Don't even try, they'll get away with murder
Sure as the rain washes away and brings thunder
Oh tell me you can see it
The gentle tower rising
Over the pines, out of a book
Zion mistaken for the state of Millbrook

PULSE PUMPING ACTION

Been a strange weekend.
Had sex with someone who I have skirted the issue with for years. Not going to go into details about it (cuz I'm just not that kinda guy) but it was freaky. Like a dream, there was no logic to it. It seems kinda like it happened to someone else.
Yesterday I found out that Mom and Peter want to send me to school to get my massage lisence... that is great as I'd always have a trade to fall back on... but it'd mean a full year here. I'm torn between what I want - not into spending a year in Poughkeepsie.

Harry Potter was worth seeing.
Spiritualized - amazing grace - is the album you need to get.

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE DOESN"T LOVE ME

Oh Justin.... why? Why do you deny me?

Had to start off with a little bit of silly because I need to purge some deep thoughts here. May get a little.......blue.

So, this "return home and get better" experement was/is a total failure. What has past is past but the echos still linger. I am having memory floods that get triggered by the slightest thing. Sometimes they are memories that I repressed for a reason.
I lived here for the first 25 years of my life. Those were not the best of times. They were spent feeling funny and distant. A boy uncomfortable in his own skin. Someone who abused himself to feel something physical to balance the emotional pain. He was a sad, lonesome boy.
I didn't sleep last night as the last shards of addiction ravage my system. I sat in the same chair looking at the wall for 8 hours. My mother woke up and was pissed off that I was up before she and her husband went to work. I had been sitting there in a coma of depression all night, drinking a bottle of wine in the dark.... wanted to talk to Mom and let her in on some of what is keeping me a step from suicide.... and she didn't care.
I wanna sleep. Tried going through photos.
There are so few pictures of me. Most pictures focus on my sister's relationship with her husband and their kids... or Mom's relationship with Peter. I kept looking through the boxes, shocked that I wasn't in any of these pics.... then the realization.... I was always left behind because "someone has to take care of the dogs." or "You wouldn't be anything but bored, Eric."
My family has families of their own and I am not part of them. The only family I have is Kevin and Padme, Jen and Josh. My SF life is when I found myself and like a fool I lost him.

PARANOID ANDROID

I have been back in my hometown for five days and already I am starting to wonder how much longer? It smells really nice. The summertime humidity has caused several impressive lightning shows. The quiet is cool....
So far I have made the rounds